Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I needed a laugh this morning.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.