noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.