Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…