Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.