[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Self-cleaning conscience
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
How to draw a duck
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room