Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Art by Pastelkatto
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.