interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
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“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?