Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
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Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t