ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
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Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Thoughts
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Just a reminder, folks:
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes