the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Anyone want a chair?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants