I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
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“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Liquor Store Parking
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“Sheer Arrogance”