Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
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Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
and now we wait
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
wait.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.