Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
You Might Also Like
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.