wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
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Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
is this a threat
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
good work, detective
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
me when i see my girls butt
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.