You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
All excellent questions
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”