WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.