Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
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Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*