Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?