When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
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Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Happy Thanksgiving
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.