The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Nothing to do, you say?
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD