So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
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Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Pizza is an emotion right?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.