Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.