My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
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Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I don’t get marriage
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?