I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
You Might Also Like
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!