I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*