I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
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[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?