My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
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Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude