“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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I need to get some bricks…
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
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Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie