[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
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If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I wanna be friends with this person
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.