Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
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[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!