[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
#SaturdayBears
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese