*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
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That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I wish I could veto my bills.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
When libraries troll their patrons.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater