baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
all bases covered
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly