Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
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My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
*looks at you in batman voice*
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner