Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
You Might Also Like
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
The struggle is real
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok