Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
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Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
(2022)
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH