“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
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ok hear me out: Luigiana
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind