Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
You Might Also Like
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.