“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
grotesque if literal: baby food
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.