It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
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“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas