oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
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judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: