[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Going to church you guys need anything
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
started wrapping my pills in cheese
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops