Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
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I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.