Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
This could be us but you eatin’
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.