Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing