Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right