[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
decorating my apartment
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Haha good job!!
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?