[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
You Might Also Like
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
This is always good for a laugh.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it