My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
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Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them