Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.